I can’t even tell you guys how many times I sat down with the laptop this weekend to write a new post. But, even though some much has happened in the past few days, I just couldn’t find the words to express myself. To deal with it all. To accept the fact that it’s time to say goodbye to one of our dogs, Kaylee. She’s old (almost 16) and even though Greg and I have done everything we can think of to help her, we know it’s not enough. She’s dying. It’s just time. We knew for a long time that it was coming. But now it’s here. That’s all. It’s here.
Kaylee has a vet appointment this morning and there’s pretty much no way that the vet is going to say anything other than what we don’t want him to say. And the choice really isn’t there. Greg and I always said that as long as her quality of life wasn’t affected, as long as she was still able to go for her walks in our backyard, eat all the people food she wanted and yell at Scout for daring to walk by her (the three things she loved to do the most), we’d do everything we could for her. We wouldn’t ‘put her down’. But she can’t do any of those things anymore. She can’t even lift her head much. She has no quality of life. It’s time.
I don’t know how much more I can cry. I’ve cried so much in the past few days, as I told Kaylee goodbye no less than three times already (we were so sure that she wouldn’t make it through the night all three times). Yesterday, I had a huge breakdown because Greg had left the house for a little bit and Kaylee ended up throwing up in the house (the little bit she has been able to eat in the past couple days) and then she fell over outside when she was trying to go to the bathroom. She just lay in the grass and I thought for sure she had left us. In the meantime, Zoey was teething like a fiend and wouldn’t let me put her down. I ended up having to put her in her playpen and letting her cry so I could go pick up Kaylee and carry her inside the house. Then my cell phone wouldn’t work for some reason and I couldn’t get a hold of Greg and OHMYGODICAN’THANDLETHISALONE. When Greg called home to check on things about forty-five minutes later, I started crying on the phone and he came right home. When he walked in the door, I burst into tears again and started freaking the hell out because seriously, watching her basically waste away in front of us was just too much.
Greg is my rock. He calmed me down before I went into a full-blown panic attack. We gave Zoey some Tylenol and he cared for Kaylee. We talked to her, told her how pretty she is and that we love her. And we prayed. Not for her to get better; we’re too far past that. Just for her to go peacefully. And for her to know that we love her so much. And we’ll miss her so much.
There’s a lot more I want to, no, NEED to share about this weekend–as part of a cathartic way of dealing with this inevitable loss. But I can’t do it right now. In ten minutes, I have to jump in the shower and start getting ready for work. Funny how life keeps going on when you’re having a personal tragedy. I can’t get upset now. I can’t cry anymore. My tears are being saved for around 10:45 this morning when I’ll be working all the way in Syracuse and Greg will be telling Kaylee goodbye at the vet’s office in Cortland (can’t go with him. No more vacation time left).
And before I leave for work, I’ll tell Kaylee goodbye one last time. I’ll tell her I love her and that I promise to take care of her Daddy. And then I’ll tell her it’s okay to go. And then I’ll get in the mommy-mobile and take Zoey to my mom’s house for the day and head to Syracuse. And try not to cry (most likely lots of tears will be shed) on the way to work.
My heart already hurts.
Update: Just got a text from Greg–our amazing Kaylee peacefully passed away at the vet’s office a little while ago. RIP, Kaylee. We will always love you.