Cancer Sucks


I feel like I owe all of the readers of this blog an explanation. After making this great promise recently about posting more after we  got our computer back from the repair shop, I pretty much went M.I.A. for a while again. I had every intention of putting Zoey to bed Friday night and then with a white russian in hand, I was going to get all caught up on my product reviews for and posts for this here blog. And then the bottom to our world fell out and everything just. sort. of. stopped.

Here’s the thing: we’re losing Nana.

She’s been fighting cancer for what seems like forever and we’ve known that this has been coming for a while now. But now that it’s here, now that we hold our breath every time Greg’s cell phone rings, Greg and I both realize that we’re not entirely ready for this. And, really, in all honestly, how can anyone be ready? It could happen five years from now and we still wouldn’t be ready. We still would wish for more time.

Friday night, Greg got a call from his sister, Kim. She’s a nurse and she had rushed to Carol and Chuck’s house when Carol took a turn for the worst. The jist of the call was basically that Greg needed to get down there. NOW. Greg got off the phone and just looked at me with this panicked look in his eyes. “I have to go,” he said and I asked him over and over again if he needed me to drive him because he looked so dazed. He said he was fine and I told him to call me as soon as he knew ANYTHING. He left and I called my mom to ask her if she could watch Zoey should the need arise.

Then I sat down in our living room and tried to think of something to do to keep my mind busy until I heard for Greg. I ended up going on Facebook, but everyone was talking about their Friday night plans–what bar they were going to or OMG! Going to see the new Twilight movie–and everything seemed so far from the thoughts that were racing in my head. I wrote something asking everyone to send prayers and then put away our laptop because I knew I wouldn’t be able to do anything else.

I ended up dozing off on our couch, my cell phone clutched tightly in my hand and when Greg called a couple of times to update me on what was going on, I pretty much jumped out of skin when the phone rang.

Greg finally came home around midnight–his mom was finally resting, although uneasily. His sister, a nurse, was spending the night at Carol and Chuck’s house and she knew to call Greg if anything–ANYTHING–happened. We took both of our cell phones upstairs when we went to bed. I don’t think it’s that much of a stretch to say that we both feared hearing his phone ring.

The next morning, We got Zoey up and dressed and fed and then we headed to Carol and Chuck’s house to spend the day with other family members. We all took turns going into Carol’s room to visit with her, to tell her how much we love her. I’m not going to write about what it was like being in that room because those memories are just too private for here. But I will tell you that I think Carol enjoyed watching Zoey play next to her on the bed, I almost started crying when Carol reached out and held my hand for a few minutes and the best part of my day was when Greg and I made Carol laugh by pretending to tease each other.

We left to go home around seven last night–Carol was settling down for the night and we found out the next morning that she had actually slept really well.

We went back this morning and spent all of today there too. The same thing–we all took turns going in and visiting Carol. Zoey kept everyone entertained by being just so darn cute. The day just sort of flew by. But now we’re back home and Zoey is in bed for the night and I’m sitting in the living room with our dogs and I’m just overwhelmed with sadness.

Carol is so much more than Greg’s mom and Zoey’s Nana. She’s my friend. And she’s become like a second mom to me. She’s so strong and so amazing and she does NOT deserve this. But, oh my god, you guys, I’ve always told Greg that his mom is SO classy. And she’s even doing this with the utmost class. She doesn’t want to die in a hospital. So, she’s at home, surrounded by her family. What better way, you know? If it were me, I would rather be home in Greg’s and my huge bed with Zoey and Greg and our two idiot dogs around me. In my pajamas instead of a hospital gown. It just seems like Carol has the right idea. Doing it on her terms.

We just all love her so much. None of us want her to be in pain anymore. She’s fought so hard and so long. We all know it’s getting to be that time. But none of us are ready.

We’re losing Nana.

But none of us want her to go.

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About cdhoose

I'm a mom to an amazing little girl and have another little one on the way. I live in Upstate New York with my fiance and daughter, 2 big, crazy dogs and a 3-legged cat (who has an attitude). I hate know-it-alls, Lindsay Lohan and socks with holes in them. I always seem to get myself into trouble (which entertains my fiance to no end), but I try hard to be a good parent. Also, I occasionally work on scrapbooking the fifty billion pictures I've taken of my kid. And I like ice cream. The end.

2 responses »

  1. Cindy,

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. We lost my uncle a few months ago to cancer and it just sucks (for lack of better words.) It’s the most painful and heartbreaking disease for everyone involved and I wish I could take your pain – no one should have to go through losing someone to it. If you need/want to talk, I’m here. Big Hugs.

    • Thank you so much. It’s just been a really tough weekend because her health declined so quickly on Friday. I appreciate the support. This is the first time I’ve been through anything like this.

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